Part 2 - Assertiveness, Boundaries, and Knowing When to Walk Away
In relationships where your partner has children from a previous relationship, establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial. Unfortunately, discussions around these boundaries can often become heated, especially when your partner becomes defensive or even aggressive. It’s not uncommon for men in these situations to use statements like, “I’m doing this to protect my children” or “My children will always come first” as a way to shut down conversations. But what’s really happening here? More often than not, these statements are a form of projection—your partner is avoiding deeper issues and disregarding your needs in the process.
Understanding Projection and Avoidance
When your partner uses phrases like “I’m just protecting my kids,” it can feel like they are being noble and selfless. However, this often masks a deeper issue: their inability or unwillingness to communicate openly about what’s really going on. These statements can be a way to avoid confronting uncomfortable truths about the relationship. For example, they might say:
“You’re just being jealous of my kids.”
“You knew what you were getting into when we started dating.”
“You’re making this about you, and it’s not.”
“You’re trying to compete with my kids.”
These phrases are not just dismissive; they are manipulative. They shift the focus away from your legitimate concerns and make you question your own feelings and intentions. This is a classic example of projection, where your partner is projecting their fears, insecurities, or unresolved issues onto you.
Recognising the Real Issue
The real issue isn’t the children—it’s the communication (or lack thereof) between you and your partner. By focusing on their perceived need to protect their children, they are avoiding the uncomfortable task of addressing your needs and the health of your relationship. What’s actually happening is that their needs, wants, and desires are taking precedence, while yours are being dismissed or minimised.
This dynamic can be deeply damaging, especially if it continues unchecked. It’s important to recognise that your needs and feelings are just as valid as your partner’s. A relationship should be a partnership where both individuals feel heard, respected, and valued.
Being Assertive in the Face of Defensiveness
When your partner becomes defensive or aggressive, it can make discussions feel impossible. However, being assertive is crucial in these moments. Here are some strategies to help you navigate these difficult conversations:
Stay Calm and Focused: When your partner becomes defensive, it’s easy to get swept up in the emotional intensity. Take a deep breath and focus on staying calm. This will help you think clearly and communicate your needs without escalating the situation.
Use “I” Statements: Frame your concerns in terms of how you feel rather than accusing your partner. For example, instead of saying, “You’re always putting your kids first,” try, “I feel hurt when I’m excluded from important events because it makes me feel like I’m not a priority.”
Set Clear Boundaries: Be specific about what you need in the relationship. For instance, you might say, “I need to feel included in your life, and that means being a part of important events involving your children. I understand they are your priority, but I also need to feel like I’m a valued partner.”
Don’t Back Down: Your partner may try to dismiss your concerns or turn the conversation back on you. Stand firm in your needs. Reiterate your boundaries calmly but firmly, and don’t let the conversation be derailed.
Knowing When Enough is Enough
Despite your best efforts, there may come a time when you realise that your partner is unwilling or unable to meet you halfway. This is a difficult and painful realisation, but it’s important to recognise when your emotional well-being is at stake.
Here are some signs that it might be time to reconsider the relationship:
Consistent Disregard for Your Needs: If your partner continually dismisses or minimises your feelings and needs, it’s a sign that they are not willing to create a balanced and healthy relationship.
Aggressive or Manipulative Behaviour: If your partner resorts to anger, aggression, or manipulation to control the conversation or to avoid addressing the issues, it’s a serious red flag.
Emotional Exhaustion: If you find yourself feeling drained, anxious, or unhappy more often than not, it’s a sign that the relationship is taking a toll on your mental and emotional health.
Lack of Progress: If you’ve had multiple discussions and nothing changes—no matter how assertive or clear you’ve been—it might be time to consider whether this relationship is right for you.
Walking Away: A Brave and Empowering Choice
Walking away from a relationship is never easy, especially when you’ve invested time, energy, and love. However, sometimes the bravest thing you can do is to prioritise your own well-being and happiness. If your partner cannot or will not meet you halfway, it’s important to recognise that you deserve better.
Leaving a relationship that no longer serves you is an act of self-respect. It’s a statement that you value yourself enough not to settle for less than you deserve. It’s also a powerful way to reclaim your life and open the door to new possibilities where you are truly valued and respected.
Conclusion
Being assertive and setting boundaries in your relationship is not just about protecting yourself—it’s about demanding the respect and inclusion you deserve. If your partner responds with defensiveness, aggression, or manipulation, it’s important to recognise these as red flags. And if, despite your best efforts, the relationship continues to harm your well-being, it’s okay to walk away. You deserve a relationship where your needs are met, your boundaries are respected, and your happiness is a priority.
